THE PSYCHOPATH


Wailing over the loss of a slaughtered friend,
I prayed helplessly if someone could help him revive..
Sucked in the pain that it all came to an end,
I worried, to the murderer, god may be too kind to forgive..

I cut myself piercing the knife into a vein,
just to see how my pal felt, being slaughtered for bunce..
I've realized, the world needs a god to get rid of its pain,
The thundering rage within turned me into a god for once..

In the dark nights, I walked down the streets hunting for a sinner
As I came across a womanizer, I slayed him with the buthcher's knife..
I've then realized, the old god was dead and I am the winner,
coz I saved the world from the sinner's misery of life..

The slaying continued peacefully until the ruling system got involved,
For they never realized that were going against god..
Alas, Catching god aint that easy, around me the stupid cops revolved..
Inspite of the hunt for me, I kept killing those who flawed..

Experiencing the warmth of sinner blood soon became an addiction,
I saw that there was none who was an embodiment of goodness alone..
At times When I killed, some scarily prayed me for redemption,
To put 'em out of misery, I slayed them until their parting groan..

One night, I found that my loving brother was a sinner too,
But I thought in god's rule there aint no injustice..
Closing in for a kill, I told him that my love for him was true..
I even regreted the fact that he couldn't be my apprentice..

As I raised my hand, to give my brother a final advice,
A violent force of a knife pushed in and out of my chest,
Not once but thrice..
I lacked strength to have a glance at the uninvited guest..

She clenched my brother tightly looking at me with a frown..
Losing consciousness, my breath was thinning and experiencing smother..
Staring at her, With a numb body and a dry throat I fell down,
Laughing at my fate that even god has a mother..

CHANGE


It was just a few years ago, my mom was lecturing me about how people change after crossing their teenage..I strongly condemned her words that a bull size maturity comes on the top of ur head after crossing that period..At that point of time I felt it was a useless lecture and I challenged her that I was going to be the same old guy..As time moved on, I felt the need to take back my words..Yes, people do witness a change in life at some stage or the other..

I just feel a bit weird to reminisce about how I really was when I was in my early teens..I was a complete geek, shy to the core and comprehensively unfashionable..As far as studies were concerned I was good(and I hated that 'g-o-o-d') not until a math lecturer changed my outlook towards the prowess I possess..After that, the good-at-study-guy was renamed as the genius-at-study..Almost at the end of schooling, a completely shitty, crazy, nonsensical thing changed my life..I was nomore myself..Not myself in my attitude, personality, appearence or whatever..Well, thats it..After that the schooling was over..It was a sigh of relief(from one point of view)..

Well whats next??..A completely new chapter in life has started, preparing for the IIT's..It was a great start actually coz I was able to give space for myself and people recognized me for some reason or the other..Unlike in school, I was not one among many in the intermediate..Oh my gosh, words cant describe what life was at that time..I've seen what is joy..I often whispered to myself this-is-life..No room for emptiness, no room for grief..Everyday was new..I had a goal in front of me(IIT) but I never cared of it(curses to my over-confidence)..It was just that I was too much involved and immersed in my own life that I couldn't catch up with studies..In fact I never realized it would make a big difference..That was also the time when I changed into a dreamer..Well, I dreamt of many things..Literally, a hundred thousand things about how my life should be..But not even one of the hundred thousand things included the three letters IIT..(I curse myself for that though)..In-the-end the whole episode turned out to be devastating..I felt like a loser..There was nothing but failure in my life..Everything was falling apart..There was no way I could fix things up..God damn, just after a fun-filled episode in life, I've realized what is pain..I cursed myself coz I screwed up everything in life..I've realized that life never gives a second chance..Phew, I always thought, that part of my life was more like Chetan Bhagat's Five-point-someone..The caption deserves a change though..What-not-to-do-while-preparing-for-IIT's..;)

Time flew and somehow I managed to get seated in one-among-the-so-called good colleges..Engineering is again a new chapter..In the midst of it I crossed the last teen year..By the time people started calling me grandpa for the way I talk..People consider me as a nerd here..Damn, Never in my life people called me that..There were other changes too..I was no more dreaming..I started chasing dreams..Agression lessened..Patience increased..I am more on the philosophical tone now..hehe..This part of my life is more like The-Monk-who-sold-his-ferrari..I wonder what's next in the store..

Well, here I am laughing at what-I-was, admiring at what-I-am and wondering at what-I-am-going-to-be..Alas, its rightly said "there is only one constant thing in life...that is CHANGE.."

The Last Resort..


I was struggling to catch my breath as I was sinking in water.. I knew nothing about what to do coz I was just 11 at that time..After a long struggle for few minutes, I was pulled out of the water..This bitter memory of mine still haunts me till date..The scene of being inches close to death still remains fresh in my mind..

As I think about the incident I really wonder, what could have happened if I had gone a bit closer to death..How excruciating the pain could have been??..The very thought of experiencing death has always been a phobia for me..When I come to think of it, firstly it snatches away our loved ones from us..Well, to be practical, there will be a day when we have to face the death of our loving parents, friends and well wishers with whom we share those golden moments of a lifetime..Death shows no mercy upon anyone even though an ocean of tears are shed..When I express such fear of death, people say I am too young to think of it..This sort of answers really piss me off..I feel I am just being practical..I can't really help the fear coz I really cannot imagine a life bereft of my loved ones..

This is just a one sided perception of the fear..The other side is what am I going to do when it comes to swallow me??..And how much pain am I supposed to experience at the time??..The scriptures say the pain of death is like the combined sting of a million scorpions..These thoughts have always haunted me..Although I found comfort when I took refuge under spirituality, They still worry me at times..Arrival by birth and departure by death..Is this a mere law of nature??..

I don't really think so..There must be an unattainable height that is beyond the bounds of human perception..I wonder why people never think in such a manner..It really astonishes me how people surrender themselves to the flow of nature..They take birth, do some crap and die on a fine day..By doing so, what are they really attaining in life..Nothing..The crores gathered or the degrees attained in education, nothing comes along..I have tried a trillion times trying to make people understand but nobody really cares to come out of the bloody ignorance..Everybody is immersed in some sh** that really makes no difference..Well, even if people try to restrain my thoughts or even if they never bother to give a damn about it..I dont really care..I am only interested in mounting the unattainable height that is considered to be on the verge of reality and that which cannot be percieved by human intelligence..I prefer to choose the path that was less travelled..In fact, the path that was never travelled..

P.S : If you feel these thoughts of mine donot make radical sense..Then try holding your breath for more than 120 seconds..The pain you feel is just like reading the preface of a book called "DEATH"..

The BREAK-UP



On this lonely night, I call upon your name,
hoping that the miles between us would fade..
People say it is all a part of the game,
but the emptiness within, still cuts me like a blade..

It was when I looked into your hazel eyes,
that I have acknowledged the beauty of creation..
I Wish to see them close again in the moments of surprise,
when I kissed you with the heat of passion..

I have shed an ocean of tears,
just to experience the warmth of your hug, once again..
The holy god might laugh at this wish when he hears,
but I wonder why this is the only comfort I seek in pain..

Its been ages since I have seen you,
I shall dare not to think that you have found a man..
I wonder if you really did, but I aint got a clue and if its true,
I only wish he could atleast love you half as much as I can..

I know it might be too late,
but I really can't get enough of you..
I wanna break the walls of fate with all my might,
Just to express myself that your love has struck me like glue..

I MISS YOU


Back when I was a playful 8 year old,

  • I remember the pain that I saw on your face when I hurt myself falling from the attic..
  • I remember the money that u gave me secretly for eating ice candies..
  • I remember the way u protected me from dad's anger when I broke the brand new television set that was expensive..
  • I remember the way u fought with me for the television remote to see the daily serials when I was watching cartoons..
  • I remember the warmth of hiding under your rug when I got less marks and u lied to dad that I was sleeping..
  • I remember the way u forgived me when I raised my arm and bet u..
  • I remember the way you poured excess of ghee into dal saying that my wife would leave me if I dont eat ghee..
  • I remember how safe I felt when u were around me..
  • I remember the happiness in your eyes when I told you about my success in tenth std board examinations..
  • I remember the way u boasted about my talents to the neighbors around the home..
  • I remember the excellent taste of the pickles that u made..
  • I remember the way you praised me for my singing skills..
  • I remember how u consoled me when I flunked badly in my intermediate course..
  • I remember the way u kept pestering me to eat food when I was talking on phone for hours together..
  • I remember the fear in your eyes when u advised me not to go deep into spirituality..
  • I remember how u joked at me asking whether I would marry a desi girl or an English girl..
  • I remember how u faced the change of phase in life so boldly..
  • I remember how u pretended to be alright even though u weren't at the best of your health..
  • I remember how u tried to give the best for us even though u were experiencing pain..
  • I remember how boldly u faced the pain of spilling blood when I was worried that no-one was at home..
  • I remember how ur heart was getting weakened..
  • I remember the pain that ur body felt when u were given very high dosage of medicines..
  • I remember the pain that u felt when the doctors pierced the needle in ur neck unable to catch a nerve in the hand..
  • I remember ur helpless state when u asked me to sit beside u, holding my hand tight..
  • I remember the pain that I felt when u asked me whether u would go to heaven or hell..
  • I remember the helpless fear of death in ur eyes..
  • I remember the last words u said to me,"Listen to what mom and dad say..Go after life and hunt for what u want..U should become famous and do remember ur granny"..

My dear granny!!..I wonder in which world you are..My eyes are wet..I wish u can listen to my silent scream..I MISS U AND I LOVE U TONNES..



STRINGS OF REALITY

Recently I have started reading a book named "The power of the presence" by David Godman..The book was about a great saint who belonged to a mystic place called thiruvannamalai located deep down in the map somewhere in Tamil Nadu..As I read the book, I realized that the prowess of the saint in trying to make people understand about the realisation of the self was laconical and it was truly awesome..

As I was going through few pages that talked about what is reality, I realised it was getting late in the night, So I kept the book aside and fell asleep..That night I had a pathetic dream..In the dream I witnessed the death of a loved one..In the dream I was hardly able to catch my breath wailing over the pain that I experienced..Unable to hold it anymore I woke up suddenly..I have realized it was just a dream..As I convinced myself it was unreal, a thought took shape from the silence of the cold night..I really wondered, we call things that we experience in a dream as unreal..But infact we even experience pain in reality, we cry over many stupid things all the day and as we go back to bed to have a sound sleep, We realise that there is no pain in sleep..Say a person loses a good amount of money..He takes tension and worries about the money loss..After a tiresome day, he experiences a long and peaceful sleep..So the question is where was the tension in sleep??..Where did the pain of losing money vanish??..The controversy here is that, what we see in sleep is actually not present when we are awake and what we see when we are awake is not present when we are asleep..But we still dare to to call one as real and the other as unreal..Why??

I hunted for the answer..No answer was convincing enough..Atlast, I found the answer in the same book..It said, both the jaagruth(wake state) and swapna(dream state) are unreal and just manifestations of our own thoughts which themselves are unreal..There exists a truth beyond these states..The only truth is

"THE EXISTENCE OF ONE DIVINE SELF THAT IS WITHIN US"..


SING UNTIL YOUR LAST BREATH


I wonder how life would have been without an element called music. I even feel that there wouldn't have been a slightest possibility of me existing in this weird world without the presence of music. Some things accompany u right from the start and they tend to be with u till the very end of your journey. Well, it wouldn't be an exaggeration to call it as my twin brother. As I recollect my past, My mom often told me that I was a stubborn baby who never ate food or slept properly without her singing a song. This was my fate when I was just an year old baby. 

Days passed, It was my schooling and I was a loner from a very young age. Even within the silence and darkness of my heart, I would often listen to my innerself constantly humming. Unfortunately I was the only one who could listen to it. At times, it kept singing even in the midst of a fired up conversation between me and my physics teacher who never managed to take a class without scolding me. I demanded my innerself,"why-me??. why do u gimme this torture??".  It would rebel and reply, "YOU FOOL!!. THEN GET A GIRL 4 URSELF I PROMISE TO STOP HUMMING AND START THINKING ABOUT HER". 

Well u might be thinking what-the-f***.  But this is the way I share my relation with music. It was there by my side in both the good and bad times. People came and went, but this is a long lasting friend of mine. It witnessed all my mood swings. Happiness, pain, anger, fear and what not. As I listen to music I witness a strange bliss, I feel something rising from my the bottom of my spine and I start feeling ecstatic. Say when I am happy, I realize that I involuntarily start tapping my feet humming a hip hop number like Eminem's-Never-Enough. Or when I walk alone, Iron maiden's fear-of-the-dark pops up. When I am in pain thinking about how I miss the good times that I spent with my beloved, my eyes start getting wet when an lp instrumental like what-I-ve-done plays in my painfilled heart. 

The intensity with which I share an unknown bondage with music cannot be expressed in words. Unfortunately, having so much of passion and love for music, I have compromised in life opting for a conventional career. But I am sure I will master atleast three instruments in life. If there isn't a chance to play them in front of the world, I would play them atleast for my wife on a romantic evening. :)

Cheers to music. 

What-the-****??


Oh boy oh boy!!!..Is the world upside down or is it me upside down..I just don't get it..

In what way does it matter if I am a loner??..I usually try to keep distance from unnecessary and useless talks like "Wow look at the girl man..she is sooo hot.." (or) "hey u know wat??..this guy and that gal.. blah blah blah"..oh come on...Is this an issue??..What the f*** man?? People are different in their own ways..No two people are the same..Things that interest everyone may not create an interest in me right??..so I don't get the point why am I misjudged by the world..This words are not really a matter of concern if they spill out from a third person..They are quite difficult to handle if u come to know that this is what ur-so-called-friends talk behind ur back..

Is there a way to get out of this crap??..Well, I donno..Coz I prefer to be myself, Inspite of all these talks..I donno how people manage to be calm in such situations but as far as I am concerned I can't give a shit..Its f***ing hard to talk sweetly like a fox to those who comment on u..When u have always been good to ur friends and never have the slightest intention of being rude to them, n all of a sudden u come to know that this is what they think of u, What should be the reaction??..If Newton's third law holds good, Its quite obvious that people tend to be uncomfortable in such company..Phew I wonder why few lack maturity in analyzing people..Well, one doesn't need to specialize in the field of psychology for analyzing people but atleast they must be in a position to understand their own friends..If they can't, I wonder why they are given the tag called FRIEND..

Well, for all those who worry about my attitude and behavior, I don't give a damn even if u cry me a river, build yourself a bridge, and GET OVER IT!!!...

NOTE: My apologies to all for being rude..This blog took shape from seeds of anger and disgust..I will try hard to maintain tranquility in the upcoming ones....

THE KISS

Back when I was in my fourth std, It was me sitting in the classroom wearing a blue trouser, a white shirt and a tie with ruffled hair, waiting for her to step in. It was supposed to be the social studies period after the lunch break. I was staring at the board that read the date dash-dash-1998, thinking about what could keep her late. My mind was racing like a monkey, running through questions like could it be this?? or could it be that??..Five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten..The minutes hand in my toy like hand watch was ticking but there was no sign of her..With despair and grief overpowering me, I started making a potrait of her in my mind..I started painting her hazel eyes that were behind her egg shaped glasses..Even before I could finish the painting in my mind, she entered into the class and said "SORRY STUDENTS I AM LATE"..

Yes, she was my school teacher..I liked her for the way she behaved with students..She might have been a strong follower of non-violence..May be that is the reason why she seldom dealt with students in a harsh manner. After taking the attendance she had asked us to take out our scrapbooks that usually consists of picture charts n stuff. Before proceeding with the class, she asked if everyone of us brought the scrapbook to class..All shouted "YES TEEEEECHER"..She again asked "IS DER ANYONE WHO IS NOT HAVING THE SCRAPBOOK??"..I dint have it on my desk..So I lifted my hand..She came towards my bench n asked "WHY DINT U BRING THE BOOK"..I said, "No Teacher..Actually, In last class u corrected my book and kept in the shelf only teacher"..I dint know if that reply was bad enough to make a person break his rules of non-violence..She asked for a wooden scale and beat me on my puny hand..OOOh, It pained a bit..And one more..Aaah, It pained like hell..I was controlling my tears..May be I was trying to act like a man in front of her..The tears were not only because of the pain but were also because of the fact that it was my favorite teacher beating me..

She screamed,"DON'T LIE. TELL THE TRUTH"..I struggled to keep my voice normal coz I was on the verge of tears..I said it is in the shelf..Then she grabbed my hand and took me to the classroom shelf and yelled "SHOW..SHOW ME THEN"..I found my book and gave her..By the time I gave her the book I realised, tears were rolling down my cheeks..She was baffled and yeah I could see her pain of regret..She pulled me close, consoled me with six to seven "sorry"s, wiped my tears and KISSED ME..

After eleven years, today, I fail to remember how she actually looked or behaved with students but I am still left with this sweet and nostalgic memory that never fades....

ESSENTIALS OF LIFE


We all have different views regarding what are the ingredients for a joyful life..Apart from all the individual perceptions of happiness, few elements that are predominantly responsible for leading a happy life are:

Optimized earning:
As long as one is happy with what he has, there isn't much scope of grief entering into a person's life..One can lead a happy life if he has enough money to spend for entertainment or fun..This is mainly because expenditure for entertainment usually comes after the basic necessities of life..We often see many people who remain unhappy all through their lives even though they are blessed with loads of bank balance..Why is it so??..This is because most of the moments that we treasure in life have little or nothing to do with money..Say, going for along ride or a night walk with a loved one, meaningless gossips with friends, a trip to a cool place, shopping for clothes, eating junk food, dining at a good restaurant and many more..These are few things that makes u whisper to yourself "Yeah!!THIS IS LIFE"..

Health:
One should really be health conscious..We often neglect this part in life as we fail to understand its importance..Say if an organ fails to function because of irregular diet, excessive boozing or bad eating habits, the pain that is experienced in this phase is just like setting foot at the doorstep of hell..So, stuff like maintaining personal hygiene and adapting good eating habits will ultimately lead to a happy life, As it is rightly said, "HEALTH IS WEALTH"..

Loving kids and a caring partner:
I refuse to mention loving parents, because, I wholeheartedly believe in
the fact that there cannot be a soul who isn't a good parent..A caring partner is an essential in life..A pillar of support in good and bad times..Well, being in love with a partner before walking a life together is not necessarily a pre-requisite..What really matters is the warmth and the bliss that you experience with each other when you are together..When it comes to kids, raising a kid is much tougher than swimming an ocean with all your might..Any mistake done while raising kids can be disastrous and can be the reason for despair when your hairs turn grey..Guide them when they are wrong, have respect for their feelings and most importantly LOVE them..


Last but not the least, to live a righteous life and to hope for a happy DEATH......
WHAT MORE IS LIFE??...

MY ENCOUNTER WITH THE SPIRIT


I have always been a guy who believed in supernatural existence.. Although I did believe in it, I never really had a chance to explore the depths of the other side..Well atleast, not until i was 18...

It was a cold night, a jolly weekend for first years and yeah not to forget the tranquility in the weather, it was a perfect night for four room mates to start up a bizarre and "what-the-hell" kinda conversation..Well, yes, the gossip was about ghosts.. It started off with the existence of ghosts and proceeded with experiences of few people..In the mid of conversation, my roomie spilled out few words that costed me an adrenalin rush..He said, he had a pretty good idea about how to call spirits by using the ouija board..I intially thought he was faking it, but man, for god's sake he wasn't..There was a sudden discord between us and the quarrel was getting bigger like a bulging balloon..Finally, it ended with a challenge..And yes, the challenge was to invoke the spirit..

Within minutes the board was prepared..I was just a spectator at the start where in two of my friends(the one who challenged me and an other) were assigned the task to invoke the spirit..Few minutes after my friends started uttering something, the coin on the board started moving..I was dumbstruck for few seconds..The free motion of the coin itself made me believe that my friends weren't faking it but some corner of my heart had a feeling that they were tricking me..With all these thoughts in mind I was trying to construe things and relate them..In the mean while my friend provoked me to replace the one invoking the spirit..Man, i did it..I thought of giving the final blow just to find out whether the whole drama was real or if it was just a prank..I had asked the spirit to give the name of my sister which wasn't known to anyone of my friends..I was aghast to see the coin move exactly towards the letters that made up the name..I was damn sure that i dint move the coin, even if my partner dared to move it, there wasn't a slightest possibility of he knowing my sister's name..Geez, what-the-****??..After all, the whole thing was real..Oh yes!!!..This was my first encounter with a spirit..Although, I had dealt with the ouija board many times after the incident happened, i put a full stop to the practice after being suggested by few who considered it to be "EVIL"..

CAUTION: There are enough worries in the visible world, try not to invite more by dealing with the invisible....

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