I MISS YOU


Back when I was a playful 8 year old,

  • I remember the pain that I saw on your face when I hurt myself falling from the attic..
  • I remember the money that u gave me secretly for eating ice candies..
  • I remember the way u protected me from dad's anger when I broke the brand new television set that was expensive..
  • I remember the way u fought with me for the television remote to see the daily serials when I was watching cartoons..
  • I remember the warmth of hiding under your rug when I got less marks and u lied to dad that I was sleeping..
  • I remember the way u forgived me when I raised my arm and bet u..
  • I remember the way you poured excess of ghee into dal saying that my wife would leave me if I dont eat ghee..
  • I remember how safe I felt when u were around me..
  • I remember the happiness in your eyes when I told you about my success in tenth std board examinations..
  • I remember the way u boasted about my talents to the neighbors around the home..
  • I remember the excellent taste of the pickles that u made..
  • I remember the way you praised me for my singing skills..
  • I remember how u consoled me when I flunked badly in my intermediate course..
  • I remember the way u kept pestering me to eat food when I was talking on phone for hours together..
  • I remember the fear in your eyes when u advised me not to go deep into spirituality..
  • I remember how u joked at me asking whether I would marry a desi girl or an English girl..
  • I remember how u faced the change of phase in life so boldly..
  • I remember how u pretended to be alright even though u weren't at the best of your health..
  • I remember how u tried to give the best for us even though u were experiencing pain..
  • I remember how boldly u faced the pain of spilling blood when I was worried that no-one was at home..
  • I remember how ur heart was getting weakened..
  • I remember the pain that ur body felt when u were given very high dosage of medicines..
  • I remember the pain that u felt when the doctors pierced the needle in ur neck unable to catch a nerve in the hand..
  • I remember ur helpless state when u asked me to sit beside u, holding my hand tight..
  • I remember the pain that I felt when u asked me whether u would go to heaven or hell..
  • I remember the helpless fear of death in ur eyes..
  • I remember the last words u said to me,"Listen to what mom and dad say..Go after life and hunt for what u want..U should become famous and do remember ur granny"..

My dear granny!!..I wonder in which world you are..My eyes are wet..I wish u can listen to my silent scream..I MISS U AND I LOVE U TONNES..



STRINGS OF REALITY

Recently I have started reading a book named "The power of the presence" by David Godman..The book was about a great saint who belonged to a mystic place called thiruvannamalai located deep down in the map somewhere in Tamil Nadu..As I read the book, I realized that the prowess of the saint in trying to make people understand about the realisation of the self was laconical and it was truly awesome..

As I was going through few pages that talked about what is reality, I realised it was getting late in the night, So I kept the book aside and fell asleep..That night I had a pathetic dream..In the dream I witnessed the death of a loved one..In the dream I was hardly able to catch my breath wailing over the pain that I experienced..Unable to hold it anymore I woke up suddenly..I have realized it was just a dream..As I convinced myself it was unreal, a thought took shape from the silence of the cold night..I really wondered, we call things that we experience in a dream as unreal..But infact we even experience pain in reality, we cry over many stupid things all the day and as we go back to bed to have a sound sleep, We realise that there is no pain in sleep..Say a person loses a good amount of money..He takes tension and worries about the money loss..After a tiresome day, he experiences a long and peaceful sleep..So the question is where was the tension in sleep??..Where did the pain of losing money vanish??..The controversy here is that, what we see in sleep is actually not present when we are awake and what we see when we are awake is not present when we are asleep..But we still dare to to call one as real and the other as unreal..Why??

I hunted for the answer..No answer was convincing enough..Atlast, I found the answer in the same book..It said, both the jaagruth(wake state) and swapna(dream state) are unreal and just manifestations of our own thoughts which themselves are unreal..There exists a truth beyond these states..The only truth is

"THE EXISTENCE OF ONE DIVINE SELF THAT IS WITHIN US"..


SING UNTIL YOUR LAST BREATH


I wonder how life would have been without an element called music. I even feel that there wouldn't have been a slightest possibility of me existing in this weird world without the presence of music. Some things accompany u right from the start and they tend to be with u till the very end of your journey. Well, it wouldn't be an exaggeration to call it as my twin brother. As I recollect my past, My mom often told me that I was a stubborn baby who never ate food or slept properly without her singing a song. This was my fate when I was just an year old baby. 

Days passed, It was my schooling and I was a loner from a very young age. Even within the silence and darkness of my heart, I would often listen to my innerself constantly humming. Unfortunately I was the only one who could listen to it. At times, it kept singing even in the midst of a fired up conversation between me and my physics teacher who never managed to take a class without scolding me. I demanded my innerself,"why-me??. why do u gimme this torture??".  It would rebel and reply, "YOU FOOL!!. THEN GET A GIRL 4 URSELF I PROMISE TO STOP HUMMING AND START THINKING ABOUT HER". 

Well u might be thinking what-the-f***.  But this is the way I share my relation with music. It was there by my side in both the good and bad times. People came and went, but this is a long lasting friend of mine. It witnessed all my mood swings. Happiness, pain, anger, fear and what not. As I listen to music I witness a strange bliss, I feel something rising from my the bottom of my spine and I start feeling ecstatic. Say when I am happy, I realize that I involuntarily start tapping my feet humming a hip hop number like Eminem's-Never-Enough. Or when I walk alone, Iron maiden's fear-of-the-dark pops up. When I am in pain thinking about how I miss the good times that I spent with my beloved, my eyes start getting wet when an lp instrumental like what-I-ve-done plays in my painfilled heart. 

The intensity with which I share an unknown bondage with music cannot be expressed in words. Unfortunately, having so much of passion and love for music, I have compromised in life opting for a conventional career. But I am sure I will master atleast three instruments in life. If there isn't a chance to play them in front of the world, I would play them atleast for my wife on a romantic evening. :)

Cheers to music. 

What-the-****??


Oh boy oh boy!!!..Is the world upside down or is it me upside down..I just don't get it..

In what way does it matter if I am a loner??..I usually try to keep distance from unnecessary and useless talks like "Wow look at the girl man..she is sooo hot.." (or) "hey u know wat??..this guy and that gal.. blah blah blah"..oh come on...Is this an issue??..What the f*** man?? People are different in their own ways..No two people are the same..Things that interest everyone may not create an interest in me right??..so I don't get the point why am I misjudged by the world..This words are not really a matter of concern if they spill out from a third person..They are quite difficult to handle if u come to know that this is what ur-so-called-friends talk behind ur back..

Is there a way to get out of this crap??..Well, I donno..Coz I prefer to be myself, Inspite of all these talks..I donno how people manage to be calm in such situations but as far as I am concerned I can't give a shit..Its f***ing hard to talk sweetly like a fox to those who comment on u..When u have always been good to ur friends and never have the slightest intention of being rude to them, n all of a sudden u come to know that this is what they think of u, What should be the reaction??..If Newton's third law holds good, Its quite obvious that people tend to be uncomfortable in such company..Phew I wonder why few lack maturity in analyzing people..Well, one doesn't need to specialize in the field of psychology for analyzing people but atleast they must be in a position to understand their own friends..If they can't, I wonder why they are given the tag called FRIEND..

Well, for all those who worry about my attitude and behavior, I don't give a damn even if u cry me a river, build yourself a bridge, and GET OVER IT!!!...

NOTE: My apologies to all for being rude..This blog took shape from seeds of anger and disgust..I will try hard to maintain tranquility in the upcoming ones....

<>